Selfie
Notes on my Journey of creating myself
I’m not ready. Not for this and it shows. I wanted to begin this journey many times. I have not been ready and I’m still not at this moment as I’m writing but I have done many things before I felt ready. It’s a feeling, and it has shown up with uncomfortable anxiety about what happens next. I wasn’t ready to be a parent. Fortunately I have great children and so much love, we are making it through. I wasn’t ready to do comedy, 17 years after my first attempt, I’m doing things I never imagined. I wasn’t ready to do my first runway, I’m a fat, old model. I wasn’t ready to lead a protest never mind go viral in what will be known as a revolution, I am leading an organization. No matter what has happened in my life I have taken many risks and flourished. I smile as I write this because my mind has told me for a long time, you can’t do this, you aren’t ready. Accidental Comedian, accidental Activist, accidental Goddess, lol. Coincidence or destiny?
Prepared
I have also been prepared to stand for human rights, to speak my mind and move the room with laughs and a message. The thing I have been most prepared for is harm. I know it well. It is no accident I am a funny disrupter. What am I not ready for? My newest journey of healing. I am amazing at change. I try new makeup, hair, and clothing. I travel, alone, in groups, for work and pleasure. I’ve disappeared from what folx believed was my norm for months at a time. I often hear I didn’t recognize you, you look so different. I love to morph into different looks, for fun, for self expression. I am so strong at this it has been an armour at times. I don’t have armour for this, in fact its counterproductive. I’m not ready to be vulnerable. I have too. I have too so I can create my own space. I am changing again, healing in a way I have never been able to do. I couldn’t because I didn’t know what needed work, the very hard work. I am open to growth, it is a conscious part of my life journey.
Accountability for me
I’m creating a new life and I’m terrified. Not because the things around me are changing but because I am. I am creating something for myself. I did it with my family, The Nwofor’s. I did when I expressed myself in comedy. I did when anti-oppression had to become my daily practice. All scary and all things I cherish. Creating Bluuphoria, notes on a journey of self care. I am learning how to care for myself, as the priority. It has been survival, and now I am going to decide what I want, what I need and how I will live my life for my priorities. I say all this to say I will be holding myself accountable and sharing regularly here. I have not before because I didn’t know what I wanted to create. I love myself; deeply, because I do, I want more. Nuturing myself will grow many things. Get ready, I am sure it won’t be smooth but it will be worth it.
May 14th I’m doing comedy, come to the show, it’s mothers day and IYKYK you gotta be there to find out what happened. Lol. Mothers day at Laugh Loft is a great way to celebrate your matriarch. Show time is 8 pm, doors open at the attic 1413 9 Ave SE, Calgary, AB T2G 0T4. Ticket link here
But first I spread my bed. See you next Thursday!
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